Curse of the never good enough mother

I have never been too much of a comparative person when it comes to my mothering. I have kinda of taken it for what it is, and done it one day at a time. I am not the girl who looks at other's girls blogs about their magical fairy lives and ohhh'ed and awe'd about their ability to just "do it all". To be honest with you I just have never cared that much, because frankly, I have kinda felt like anyone raising children with a spotless house, who managed to balance all their kids at once, while teaching them all sorts of brain enrichment activities, while their their kids look like a GAP ad, craft, and manage to make their husband a 5 course meal off Pinterest with their perfectly coifed hair and 5 inch heels, either is about to secretly be in a mental hospital, or they are LYING.

No one has that life. No one...not even celebrities, because even they have nannies to take care of half those things on the list. No woman can really do it alone, and I just always viewed it a big show, so I didn't get caught up in how good of a mother I was compared to anyone else. Until I started to worry about Ava's speech.

I read somewhere that by 2 years old a child's vocabulary is about 20 words or more, and most of the time they can say some complete sentences. I was a little taken back as Ava will be 2 in November and the only words she knows is: Wow, Hi, No, Yay, Okay, Baba, Juice, Num-num (code for food and not even a real word), Book, Baby, Oh-no, Bear, Cow (every animal is either a bear or cow), and Momma & Dada (and she called both of us momma). Sure she has a few months until she is 2, but deep in my subconscious I started to feel a little nervous that maybe she didn't know enough. Maybe she isn't learning fast enough. Maybe she has autism (yes I was getting a little carried away), and maybe I wasn't being a good enough mom.

I started to get paranoid about everything I was or was not doing for and with her, and I started to critique everything. Especially a particularly stressful week when we could NOT get Ava to call Scott dad even after countless hours spent training her on who was who, and ended in tears on my part. I work from home, which seriously is the hugest blessing to our family, but I am also not too proud to admit that Disney Junior is my baby-sitter most of the week when she is not at daycare. So with that I worried and worried and worried. I wasn't doing enough for Ava, my house was never clean enough, I almost NEVER made dinner, and most of the time I spend my day looking slightly homeless (a sight I am sure Scott wants to behold after a long days work). I wasn't comparing myself to any mom in particular, I was just feeling completely inadequate in my role as a mother and wife. I felt like I was given this huge responsibility that I was just blowing off and felt the urge to step it up like 20 notches.

And then I found this quote:

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children. The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family. Many are able to be “full-time moms,” at least during the most formative years of their children’s lives, and many others would like to be. Some may have to work part-or full-time; some may work at home; some may divide their lives into periods of home and family and work. What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." --Elder Russell M. Ballard

This quote brought me so much comfort. I read it and immediately started crying. Sometimes I wish I could be that mom who can spend every minute with her child, and sometimes I feel like I didn't take advantage of that first year of Ava's life that I was a stay at home mom. But no matter, I know I am working and doing my very best. I am trying so hard. I have the best of intentions, and I know that the sacrifices I am making now are not in vain and I am helping give Ava and my future children the best life they can. Helping work Scott through school is hard, but I am doing enough, and I know Scott is proud of me (and Ava would be too if she knew what was going on).

I am trying to keep in mind that I love my sweet girl more than anything, and I am a good mother. I have never hit my child, I hardly ever raise my voice at her, she is an extremely happy and outgoing child, so I know I must be doing something right. And for the most part she has caused me to develop a level of patience that I never had before. In a way she has made me mature a lot.

A couple nights ago Ava woke up screaming in the middle of the night. I think she was having a nightmare, and I sat there in her dark room just rocking her back and forth till she fell back asleep. She was barely awake, but she reached up and touched my face before closing her eyes, and I knew she loved me, and I am good enough.

If any of you moms out there are struggling with feeling inadequate, I encourage you to read this article, and I hope you will remember how special and needed you are in your families:)